Terry Pratchett

“Royalty pollutes people’s minds, boy. honest men start bowing and bobbing just because someone’s granddad was a bigger murdering bastard than theirs was.”

“The conversation of human beings seldom interested him, but it crossed his mind that the males and females always got along best when neither actually listened fully to what the other one was saying.”

“The trouble with life was that you didn’t get a chance to practice before doing it for real.”

“What’s Ephebe like?” said Ptraci.“I’ve never been there. Apparently it’s ruled by a Tyrant.”“I hope we don’t meet him, then”Teppic shook his head. “It’s not like that,” he said. “They have a new Tyrant every five years and they do something to him first.” He hesitated. “I think they ee-lect him.”“Is that something like they do to tomcats and bulls and things?”“Er.”“You know. To make them stop fighting and be more peaceful.”Teppic winced. “To be honest, I’m not sure,” he said. “But I don’t think so. They’ve got something they do it with, I think it’s called a mocracy, and it means everyone in the whole country can say who the new Tyrant is. One man, one—” He paused. The political history lesson seemed a very long while ago, and had introduced concepts never heard of in Djelibeybi or in Ankh-Morpork, for that matter. He had a stab at it anyway. “One man, one vet.”“That’s for the eelecting, then?”He shrugged. It might be, for all he knew. “The point is, though, that everyone can do it. They’re very proud of it. Everyone has—” he hesitated again, certain now that things were amiss—“the vet. Except for women, of course. And children. And criminals. And slaves. And stupid people. And people of foreign extractions. And people disapproved of for, er, various reasons. And lost of other people. But everyone apart from them. It’s a very enlightened civilization.”

“Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.”

“I would not like it thought that I do not buy my own paperclips, sir. I enjoy owning my own paperclips. It means they are mine.”

“I see evil when I look in my shaving mirror. It is, philosophically, present everywhere in the universe in order, apparently, to highlight the existence of good. I think there is more to this theory, but I tend to burst out laughing at this point.”

“A lot hinges on the fact that, in most circumstances, people are not allowed to hit you with a mallet. They put up all kinds of visible and invisible signs that say, 'Do not do this' in the hope that it'll work, but if it doesn't, then they shrug, because there is, really, no real mallet at all.”

“What did they feed the lions and tigers with in the ark, sir?”

“Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?""Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir.”

“Real magic is the hand around the bandsaw, the thrown spark in the powder keg, the dimension-warp linking you straight into the heart of a star, the flaming sword that burns all the way down to the pommel. Sooner juggle torches in a tar pit than mess with real magic. Sooner lie down in front of a thousand elephants.”

“If he'd been a hero, he would have taken the opportunity to say, "That's what I call sorted!" Since he wasn't a hero, he threw up.”

“Moist was sure doctors keep skeletons around to cow patients. Nyer, nyer, we know what you look underneath ...”

“This wasn't food - it was what food became if it had been good and gone to food heaven.”

“He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.”

“Don't be smart. Smart is only a polished version of dumb. Try intelligence. It will surely see you through.”

“You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don't you?”

“Magia jednak ma w zwyczaju czekać w ukryciu, niby grabie leżące w trawie.”

“Sometimes I really think people ought to have to pass a proper exam before they're allowed to be parents. Not just the practical, I mean.”

“Cats will amusingly tolerate humans only until someone comes up with a tin opener that can be operated with a paw.”

“Don't you *ever* let go?""I haven't yet.""Why?""I suppose... because in this world, after everyone panics, there's always got to be someone to tip the wee out of the shoe.”

“In order to have a change of fortune at the last minute, you have to take your fortune to the last minute.”

“Seeing things a human shouldn't have to see makes us human.”

“Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.”

“I don't see what's so triffic about creating people as people and then gettin' upset 'cos they act like people.”

“Because some stories end, but old stories go on, and you gotta dance to the music if you want to stay ahead”

“Because no man wants to be a coward in front of a cheese.”

“...Roland de Chumsfanleigh (it wasn't his fault).”

“Hell needed horribly bright, self-centered people like Eric. They were much better at being nasty than demons could ever manage”

“The office of Master of Traditions had fallen inevitably on Ponder Stibbons, who tended to get all the jobs that required someone who thought that things should happen on time and that numbers should add up.”

“There's no such thing as writer's block. That was invented by people in California who couldn't write.”

“She folded her arms and then shouted, "Right you thieving scunners! How dare you steal Miss Treason's funeral meats!""Oh, waily, waily, it's the foldin' o' the arms, the foooldin' o' the aaaarmss!" cried Daft Wullie, dropping to the ground and trying to cover himself with leaves. Around him Feegles started to wail and cower and Big Yan began to bang his head on the rear wall of the dairy.”

“Stop stealing the funeral meats right now, you wee scuggers!" She shouted.The Feegles stopped and stared at her. Then Rob Anybody said: "Socks wi'oot feets?”

“Them as can do has to do for them as can't. And someone has to speak up for them as has no voices.”

“The people of Ankh-Morpork had a straightforward, no-nonsense approach to entertainment, and while they were looking forward to seeing a dragon slain, they'd be happy to settle instead for seeing someone being baked alive in his own armour. You didn't get the chance every day to see someone baked alive in their own armour. It would be something for the children to remember.”

“The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.”

“I believe he collects different types of stationery,' said Vetinari. 'I have sometimes speculated that he might change his life for the better should he meet a young lady willing to dress up as a manila envelope.”

“You are in favour of the common people?” said Dragon mildly.The common people?” said Vimes. “They’re nothing special. They’re no different from the rich and powerful except they’ve got no money or power. But the law should be there to balance things up a bit. So I suppose I’ve got to be on their side.”

“Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!""Can't we do anything about it?""No!""Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly.”

“It is forbidden to fight on the Killing Ground," he said, and paused while he considered the sense of this. "You know what I mean anyway...”

“At some time in the recent past someone had decided to brighten the ancient corridors of the University by painting them, having some vague notion that Learning Should Be Fun. It hadn’t worked. It’s a fact known throughout the universes that no matter how carefully the colors are chosen, institutional decor ends up as either vomit green, unmentionable brown, nicotine yellow or surgical appliance pink. By some little-understood process of sympathetic resonance, corridors painted in those colors always smell slightly of boiled cabbage—even if no cabbage is ever cooked in the vicinity. ”

“Truly, he thought, the way of enlightenment is like unto half a mile of broken glass. ”

“But I don't believe in reincarnation!" he protested.SQUEAK.And this, Mr Pounder understood with absolute rodent clarity, meant: reincarnation believes in you.”

“Von außen – und erst recht von innen – sieht der Prozess wissenschaftlicher Forschung ungeordnet und verwirrend aus. Man ist versucht zu glauben, Wissenschaftler seien selber unordentlich und verwirrt. In gewisser Hinsicht sind sie es – das gehört zur Forschung. Wenn man wüsste, was man tut, wäre es keine Forschung”

“Never cross a woman with a star on a stick, young lady. They've got a mean streak.”

“Books must be treated with respect, we feel that in our bones, because words have power. Bring enough words together they can bend space and time.”

“Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're not a nasty small-minded little jerk.”

“Personally, I think the best motto for an educational establishment is: 'Or Would You Rather Be a Mule?”

“I don't want to hurt you, Mistress Weatherwax," said Mrs Gogol."That's good," said Granny. "I don't want you to hurt me either.”

“Hah!" said Granny Weatherwax. "I should just say it is a folk song! I knows all about folk songs. Hah! You think you're listenin' to a nice song about...cuckoos and fiddlers and nightingales and whatnot, and then it turns out to be about...something else entirely," she added darkly.”