Woody Allen

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.”

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”

“A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.”

“I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”

“Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday”

“Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.”

“I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.”

“I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

“To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.”

“It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.”

“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”

“You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.”

“We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more”

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”