Woody Allen

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

“Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!”

“Living is messy.”

“There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.”

“So then, what do you believe in?Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.”

“It's about Russia.”

“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.”

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.”

“I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.”

“I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.”

“I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.”

“Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.”

“I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.”

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”

“God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.”

“I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.”

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

“It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?”

“I am at two with nature.”

“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

“I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.”

“Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”

“Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.”

“Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.”

“The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.”

“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”

“How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?”

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.”

“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.”

“Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.”

“My brain? That's my second favorite organ.”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”

“In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.”

“I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“Kugelmass, unaware of this catastrophe, had his own problems. He had not been thrust into Portnoy's Complaint, or into any other novel, for that matter. He had been projected into an old textbook, Remedial Spanish, and was running for his life over a barren, rocky terrain as the word tener ("to have") - a large and hairy irregular verb - raced after him on its spindly legs.”

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”

“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”

“There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.”