Ilona Andrews has captivated readers with her unforgettable characters and compelling storytelling. Her words inspire, motivate, and resonate on a deep level, making her quotes a treasure trove of wisdom and creativity. In this collection, we’ve gathered the top 45 best Ilona Andrews quotes that showcase her unique voice and insight—perfect for fans and newcomers alike. Dive in and let these powerful lines spark your imagination and brighten your day.
1. “Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.” - Ilona Andrews
2. “I flexed my wrist, popped a silver needle into my palm, and offered it to him.'What's this?''A needle.''What should I do with it?'He'd walked right into it. Too easy. 'Please use it to pop your head. It's obscuring my view of the room.'- Kate & Saiman” - Ilona Andrews
3. “I had to give it him, to flatter and insult a woman in one propostition took talent.” - Ilona Andrews
4. “He lunged for the maps. I grabbed the chair and hit him with it. He went down. I hit him again to make sure he stayed that way, stepped over him, and picked up the maps."I win.” - Ilona Andrews
5. “In there?'She nodded.'You want us to go into the tortoise?'Another nod.'It's alive.'Another nod.” - Ilona Andrews
6. “Nice plan. Take the gullible outsiders, walk them around for a bit, then feed them to the giant tortoise.” - Ilona Andrews
7. “The decorator of Las Colimas must have been a great admirer of both early Aztec and late Taco Bell architectural styles.” - Ilona Andrews
8. “On the other hand it was bad manners to look a gift horse in the mouth. Even if you're getting it from an overweight cracker in a fringe shirt.” - Ilona Andrews
9. “I thought of telling him that if it wasn't for Oklahoman cowboys and Mexican whores having a bit of fun, there would've been no Texans, but that would be counterproductive.” - Ilona Andrews
10. “Any messages for me?" Usually I got one or two, but mostly people who wanted my help preferred to talk in person."Yes. Hold on." She pulled out a handful of pink tickets and recited from memory, without checking the paper. "Seven forty-two a.m., Mr. Gasparian: I curse you. I curse your arms so they wither and die and fall off your body. I curse your eyeballs to explode. I curse your feet to swell until blue. I curse your spine to crack. I curse you. I curse you. I curse you.” - Ilona Andrews
11. “The vampire leaned forward, tapping a scimitar claw. "Is that a lion with horns and a pitchfork?""Yep.""Is he carrying a moon on his pitchfork?""No, it's a pie.” - Ilona Andrews
12. “I also stole a small yellow doughnut from the box of Duncan's doughnuts in the rec room and fed it to the attack poodle in my office. He made a great production of it. First, he growled at the doughnut, just to show it who was boss. Then he nudged it with his nose. Then he licked it, until finally he snagged it into his mouth and chomped it with great pleasure, dropping crumbs all over the carpet.” - Ilona Andrews
13. “He glued the chair to my ass."Silence."Is it still...attached?""I can't get it off.” - Ilona Andrews
14. “It's a party house.""I hope for your sake it's a very tame party." If he brought me to some sort of sex orgy, he would fly right through one of those pretty windows, headfirst.” - Ilona Andrews
15. “And you expect me to commute two hours each way from the Keep to the Order." I kept my voice mild. "I suppose I won't be needing my job, my house, or my clothes anymore.""I didn't say that. Although let me get back to you on the clothes. It's still under consideration.” - Ilona Andrews
16. “ Dear rabbis, I'm so sorry, I nuked your circle dude. Here is his head as a souvenir. Yeah, that would fly.” - Ilona Andrews
17. “Hold your horses. I'm coming."..."From where I'm standing you're just breathing laboriously."The snow swam out of focus. "Breathing hard. Are you coming or just breathing hard. You've got to get your one-liners straight.” - Ilona Andrews
18. “...they tended towards the simple pleasures in life: drinking, whoring and fighting, preferably all three at once.” - Ilona Andrews
19. “Im's offspring stare at stars and make clocks that calculate useless happenings like the angle of a hawk's claws as it strikes its prey. They demonstrate their contraptions and everyone marvels. My children get drunk, confuse a herd of cows with an enemy regiment, and slaughter the lot, screaming like lunatics until the entire army panics.” - Ilona Andrews
20. “Getting a lecture on restraint from the woman who threw a hissy fit and blew up Babylon.” - Ilona Andrews
21. “You'll lose.""What makes you so sure?""You have no discipline. All you do is tear down shit down. My father is a bastard, but at least he builds things. You turn cities into smoking ruins and blunder about like some hyper child, smashing anything you see. And then you sit here and wonder, 'Why did all of my children turn out to be violet idiots? It's a mystery of nature,'.” - Ilona Andrews
22. “No more tubs for me." I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. "They make me lose all sense."Curran sprawled on the bed with a big self-satisfied smile. "Want to know a secret?""Sure.""It's not the bathtub, baby."Well, aren't we smug. I picked up the corner of the lowest mattress and made a show of looking under it."What are you looking for?""A pea Your Majesty.""What?""You heard me."I jumped back as he lunged and his fingers missed me by an inch."Getting slow in your old age.""I thought you liked it slow."A flashback to last night mugged me and my mind executed a full stop.He laughed. "Ran out of snappy comebacks?""Hush. I'm trying to think of one.” - Ilona Andrews
23. “I'm counting to ten in my head.""Is it helping?""No.""It doesn't help me with you either. I used to life weights to alleviate frustration, but someone blowtorched my weight bench. How did you do it, by the way?""I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you.” - Ilona Andrews
24. “Rose pictured him standing at the boundary of the Ogletree house in that enormous fur cape, with a giant sword sticking over his shoulder, roaring at the top of his lungs and then being upset that nobody came out, and laughed.” - Ilona Andrews
25. “It became known that I had a rather fertile imagination, when it came to private activities."She stared. "What sort of private activities?"This time he did smile, and it turned his face wicked. "Disrobe, and I'll be happy to demonstrate.” - Ilona Andrews
26. “I looked at him. "You really need to work on your threats. I can't tell if you're threatening me or inviting me for tea.” - Ilona Andrews
27. “You think he's got 'government badass' tattooed on his chest?" I murmured.A faint grimace skewed Luther's mouth. "And 'I'd tell you but I'd have to kill you' on his ass.” - Ilona Andrews
28. “Shane lowered his glasses on his nose and gave me his version of a severe stare.I leaned a little toward Luther. "Is this the part where I faint in fear?"Luther bit his lip. "He might also accept falling to your knees and holding your hands in humble supplication. Makes it easier for him to slap the cuffs on.” - Ilona Andrews
29. “I know it's late, but could you find a book for me? It's called The Slavs: Study of Pagan Tradition by Osvintsev."Barabas sighed dramatically. "Kate, you make me despair. Let's try that again from the top, except this time pretend you are an alpha.""I don't need a lecture. I just need the book.""Much better. Little more growl in the voice?""Barabas!""And we're there. Congratulations!” - Ilona Andrews
30. “Say 'pop.'" "Pop?" "That was the sound of me pulling your head out of your ass.” - Ilona Andrews
31. “They really kicked me out?" "Refunded the tuition and everything." Julie blinked a couple of times coming to grips with this tidbit. "So what happens now?" "I expect you'll be a bum. Homeless and jobless begging on the street for a crust of bread..." "Kate." "Oh, alright, I suppose if you come by the office once in a while I'll give you a sandwich. You can squat in the office on the floor when it gets too cold outside. We can even get you a little blanket to lie on...” - Ilona Andrews
32. “She surveyed the carnage behind him. "Did you have fun?"He showed her his teeth. "Yes.” - Ilona Andrews
33. “You call that evening the odds? You demolished them."Demolished. He liked that. "I left you one.""I noticed.""I promised to share," he told her. "Manners are very important in the Weird. Lying would be quite impolite.” - Ilona Andrews
34. “William's eyes glowed like two amber coals. She met his gaze and flinched. No emotion reflected in the amber, only intelligence, cruel in a way the eyes of a hunting Mire cat were cruel. She saw no worry, no softness, no thoughts at all, only waiting. He seemed barely human now, not a man but some feral thing, knitted of darkness and biding his time for an opportunity to pounce.” - Ilona Andrews
35. “It depends. If I don't let you in, will you huff and puff and blow my house down?" She had no idea. "I'm more of a kick the door open and cut everyone inside to ribbons kind of wolf.” - Ilona Andrews
36. “It could be worse," he said finally. "Efrenia married an arsonist. Jake's wife is a kleptomaniac. I suppose, a psychopathic spree killer isn't that odd of a choice, considering.” - Ilona Andrews
37. “An evil spark flared in his eyes. "Trade: raccoon for some answers.” - Ilona Andrews
38. “Did I hurt you in the parking lot?""No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car."Great.” - Ilona Andrews
39. “Kaldar smiled at her. Now there was a work of art. If she were just a girl and he were just a man, and they met at a party, that smile would've guaranteed him a date. The man was hot. There was no doubt. But right now, all it would get him was a solid punch in those even teeth. Audrey laughed. "Aren't you sweet? Tell me, do girls usually throw their panties at you when you do that?"He grinned wider, and she glimpsed the funny evil spark in his eyes. "Do men throw money when you do your little Southern belle?” - Ilona Andrews
40. “Ask a man how much a dollar is worth, and he'll tell you, 'Almost nothing.' Try to take a dollar away from him, and you'll get yourself a fight.” - Ilona Andrews
41. “Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. "THe only man who gets to call me'love' would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun night. Fun night. Oh yes."Guess what?" She leaned closer. "You will never be that man.” - Ilona Andrews
42. “The rage of the Beast Lord was a terrible thing to behold. Some people stormed, some punched things, but Curran slipped into this icy, bone-chilling calm. His face hardened into a flat mask, and his eyes turned into a molten inferno of pure gold. If you looked at it for longer than two seconds, your muscles locked, your knees shook, and you had to fight to keep from cringing. It was easier to look at the floor,but I didn’t. Besides, he wasn’t angry with me. He wasn’t even angry with Kate. He was angry with Anapa. I had no doubt that if he could’ve gotten a hold of the god at that moment, he would’ve broken him in half.“It’s only ribs,” Kate told him. “And they’re not even broken. They are fractured.”“And the hip,” Doolittle said. “And the knee.”There you go. Don’t expect mercy from a honeybadger.“How long do you need to keep her?” Curran looked to Doolittle.“She can go to her quarters, provided she doesn’t leave them,” Doolittle said. “I can’t do anything else with the magic down. She must stay down until I can patch her up.”“She will.” Curran reached for Kate. “Hey, baby. Ready?”She nodded. Curran slid his hands under her and picked her up, gently, as if she weighed nothing.“Good?” he asked.She put her arm around him. “Never better.” - Ilona Andrews
43. “Somewhere in that database my name sat in its own little niche, the name of a reject, undisciplined and worthless. Just the way I liked it.” - Ilona Andrews
44. “If you can't make it go away, wait it out.” - Ilona Andrews
45. “Beautiful I would never be. Striking, that I could manage.” - Ilona Andrews
