Laughter is truly the best medicine, and sometimes all it takes is a perfectly timed quote to brighten your day. Whether you’re looking for a witty one-liner or a clever joke to share with friends, our curated collection of the top 69 funniest comedy quotes has something for every sense of humor. Get ready to smile, chuckle, and maybe even laugh out loud as you explore some of the most memorable and hilarious lines from comedians, movies, and iconic personalities.
1. “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious” - Peter Ustinov
2. “I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.” - Bruce Robinson
3. “It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!” - Lewis Black
4. “I'm starved." -Juli"How can you be starved? You just ate a huge bowl of popcorn." -Elspeth"Popcorn isn't food, it's popcorn." -Vicki” - Lynsay Sands
5. “Saer is a great big poop, and you shouldn't listen to anything he says," I said, panting just a little."Obviously, he was trying to demoralize me.""Men who are poops demoralize people all the time," I agreed” - Katie MacAlister
6. “You can’t keep bitch-slapping your creativity, or it’ll run away and find a new pimp.” - George Meyer
7. “Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of it—he’s a widower now, so they can ride off together into the sunset, their wedding rings glinting.” - Brenda Joyce
8. “You are a manipulator.I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer.” - J.R. Ward
9. “That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.” - Bill Cosby
10. “It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.” - Weston Locher
11. “He squinted at me. "What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?” - Janet Evanovich
12. “If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!” - Janet Evanovich
13. “At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.” - Craig Ferguson
14. “I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.” - Craig Ferguson
15. “As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.” - George Carlin
16. “Author's WarningIf you're buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don't blame me. I told you.” - Christopher Moore
17. “Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.” - Lewis Black
18. “He shook his head. "The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I'm going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say? I say, thank you. Then I tell you I like yours and what do I hear? A long lists of grievances.” - Susan Elizabeth Phillips
19. “Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of guy I'd rather be. So do my friends.” - Spider Robinson
20. “Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.” - Brett Tate
21. “With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags” - Saira Viola
22. “VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!” - Jonathan Larson
23. “So you want me to go to a human orgy, where I will not be welcome, and you want us to leave before I get to enjoy myself? ~Eric Northman” - Charlaine Harris
24. “Primark 'till I die” - Russell Howard
25. “During our visit, we noticed she was mixing up words. She started referring to Muslims as Mormons. After 9/11, she told Jon and me how it was important for America to stop the radical Mormons because they had perpetrated the attacks on the Twin Towers.There was no way we could convince her of the difference. We'd just smile and not. "That's right, Grandma, all the Mormons got together on September 11th and ran their bicycles into the Twin Towers!” - Mollie Gross
26. “Before we left home, my hair had already started to fall apart. I decided to pull it into a bun high on my head and attach one of those fake hair things that look like a nest of cute curls. I slapped a tiara on my head and was good to go. I had my weave, my girdle, and my tiara. I was ready to party!” - Mollie Gross
27. “Adieu, Lord Dain,” she answered without turning her head. “Have a pleasant evening with your cows.”Cows?She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he’d felt the sting. He told himself to laugh and return to his… cows.” - Loretta Chase
28. “You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster."With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.” - Lisa Kleypas
29. “It is the custom on the stage: in all good, murderous melodramas: to present the tragic and the comic scenes, in as regular alternation, as the layers of red and white in a side of streaky, well-cured bacon. The hero sinks upon his straw bed, weighed down by fetters and misfortunes; and, in the next scene, his faithful but unconscious squire regales the audience with a comic song. We behold, with throbbing bosoms, the heroine in the grasp of a proud and ruthless baron: her virtue and her life alike in danger; drawing forth a dagger to preserve the one at the cost of the other; and, just as our expectations are wrought up to the highest pitch, a whistle is heard: and we are straightway transported to the great hall of the castle: where a grey-headed seneschal sings a funny chorus with a funnier body of vassals, who are free of all sorts of places from church vaults to palaces, and roam about in company, carolling perpetually.Such changes appear absurd; but they are not so unnatural as they would seem at first sight. The transitions in real life from well-spread boards to death-beds, and from mourning weeds to holiday garments, are not a whit less startling; only, there, we are busy actors, instead of passive lookers-on; which makes a vast difference. The actors in the mimic life of the theatre, are blind to violent transitions and abrupt impulses of passion or feeling, which, presented before the eyes of mere spectators, are at once condemned as outrageous and preposterous.” - Charles Dickens
30. “We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.” - Brian Regan
31. “is there any I could get a glass of water?"[waiter]There is no way... I toss and turn many a night trying to think up some way some how I could get glasses of water to costomers but I keep coming up empty..... Legend has it there was a waiter here many years ago... who had figured out a way to do just that but he is long gone and with him the secret. It had something to do with a glass rack and a faucet but no one has been able to put the pieces together so I must say no there is no way. HOW I WISH THERE WAS A WAY!!!” - Brian Regan
32. “Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that “women aren't funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.” - Tina Fey
33. “He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.” - Paula Mclain
34. “It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.” - Cheryl Cory
35. “He stares at me, and then leans back in his chair. "He's ill, Jacob."I say nothing. "He's a paragon schnitzophonic.""He's what?!""Paragon schnitzophonic," repeats Uncle Al. "You mean paranoid schizophrenic?""Sure. Whatever. But the bottom line is he's mad as a hatter...” - Sara Gruen
36. “Sam: I've never considered myself a finicky eater. No pie ever crossed my path and survived.” - Jaime Reed
37. “If you cannot find an element of Humour in something, your not taking it seriously enough.” - Ilyas Kassam
38. “There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.” - Bob Newhart
39. “To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.” - Criss Jami
40. “Today I feel like I did tomorrow.” - Carroll Bryant
41. “You will be so dead, dear Sister. Make telpon dari tadi kayak Kroasia ada di sebelah Jakarta aja. Huahahaha” - Sitta Karina
42. “Even though Sean still held my head down I was the only one who thought to ask"Who's driving the boat?" Over the motor I heard girls screaming at us the instant before we crashed.” - Jennifer Echols
43. “College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.” - Jeffrey Eugenides
44. “Think like a middle-aged man with OCD, a dead wife, and a teenage daughter.Think like a woman with three teenage sons who once ran a golf cart into the side of their granddad's house.""Cameron and Sean shouldn't have let me drive," Adam said in his own defense. "I was seven.""You shouldn't have ASKED to drive. You were seven.” - Jennifer Echols
45. “Stay away from her.""Okay.""Keep your hands off her.""I'll try."He scowled at me."I will," I said.” - Jennifer Echols
46. “Oh, God," Lori said without looking at me, "what are they thinking, leaving the two of us alone out here on the dock together? We might TALK or something.""That would be awful," I said. "I might give you a hickey."She laughed, still watching for Cameron's start instead of looking at me. "Just by talking to me?""I can talk really dirty. You'd be surprised.” - Jennifer Echols
47. “He sighed, then said, "So basically, you're stalking her.""I am NOT stalking her." I insisted."That's where you come in. If I followed her by myself, someone who did not understand the situation and did not realize that I am so responsible-"McGillicuddy snorted."- might mistake what I am doing for stalking.However, her big brother is with me. Therefore we are protecting her.” - Jennifer Echols
48. “I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.” - Rodney Dangerfield
49. “Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.” - Alan Rickman
50. “Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet... and yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some... some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.” - Terry Pratchett
51. “I never thought that someday men will also use an iPAD.” - Santosh Kalwar
52. “I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-” - David DeBacco
53. “Meaning, yes -- I don't really exist except on the page or in the back of your brain. But if you think it's weird a fictional character's telling this story, you ain't seen what happened, yet.” - Kyle Michel Sullivan
54. “I didn't wait for Luck. I raced after it with a truck.” - A.A. Bell
55. “You got a gun, you don't have to work out.” - Chris Rock
56. “What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows.” - John Green
57. “Ma la virilità si è tutta smammolata in coccolette; il coraggio svaporato in complimenti, e gli uomini sono diventati tutti lingua, come dei pappagalli ammaestrati. Oggi è più valente di un Ercole chi sa meglio mentire e spergiurare. Non posso diventare uomo di mia volontà, e allora morirò donna per disperazione.” - William Shakespeare
58. “Everything about the man spoke of virility--his quick reaction, his calm control now that danger had passed. And she'd never seen a man wield a gun in real life--it was kind of a turn-on to know that he'd protected her. Of course he had protected everyone, but he _had_ sort of singled her out by heaving her to the floor.” - Stephanie Bond
59. “Girls, we're fiction editors--we know how to plot, and we know how to cover our tracks. We can teach Jerry Key a lesson he'll never forget.” - Stephanie Bond
60. “...big, strapping macho guys were like liquid diets--they were great for emergencies, but she wouldn't want to be on one all the time.” - Stephanie Bond
61. “Life is a great big canvas; throw all tje paint you can at it.” - Danny Kaye
62. “Sin and grace, absence and presence, tragedy and comedy, they divide the world between them and where they meet head on, the Gospel happens.” - Frederick Buechner
63. “Roses are red, Violettes are bllue,Valentines day is consumerous crap,now don't you have ironing to do"Unlikely thing to read in a valentines day card” - Mock of the week the show
64. “We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell.” - Bruce Robinson
65. “There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine.” - Patrick Bateman
66. “A farce or comedy is best played; a tragedy is best read at home.” - Abraham Lincoln
67. “I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.” - Phil Torcivia
68. “It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so get ready, I’m comin’—when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: “So Kath, I don’t know what you chicks are always complaining about.” To which I respond: “Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.” - Kathy Griffin
69. “If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science” - Michelle M. Pillow
