“Whenever I start thinking about death, it always cheers me up to think about my funeral and my tombstone (which, by the way, will say "Here lies Harlan Sturr. Please don't pee on him.") ”

“What are you eating?" he ask us."Whatever won't kill me, please" I said."Whatever don't kill you'll make you stronger" says Eddie, who is always ready with folksy wisdom."All right," I say. "Then give me whatever will make me stronger.""One pizza, coming up.”

“There a lot of things I can't do," he says. "With my... health.""Well," I say, "can you kiss girls?”

“And the third is from him: "Second date?"I immediately text him back: "Hell yeah!"Then I collapse on my bed and enjoy that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling. I've felt the butterflies before from time to time, but this is the first time I haven't sort of wanted to attack them with a flyswatter.”

“I mean, who wants to date a guy who thinks a girl who can't operate a fruit cup is attractive?”

“Let me get this straight," I say. "You're practically ordering me to die. What kind of guidance counselor are you?”

“A long time ago, Trinity and I made a list of types of guys you should never date. We add to it every now and then. It includes things like never date a guy whose computer costs more than his car (you'll never get him to pay attention to you except over instant messages), never date a guy who has a pet lizard (he's probably into weird stuff in bed) and never under any circumstances go on a second date with a guy who says the word "married" on the first date (he'll turn out to be a mama's boy or a religious type)”