“Here's my using dickwad in a sentence. Greg is such a dickwad, he locks his car in the Pagoda Pizza parking lot. (No. That isn't a real Vocab word.)”

“Sometimes I realize that those things that make me feel like a dickwad usually pop into my head for the best reasons”

“Pizza Hut isn't real pizza," I tell them. "The way that balloon of Big Bird they fly in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade isn't the real Big Bird.”

“It’s like my grandpa always used to say, ‘A butter knife would make a deadlier weapon than a melting stick of butter.’”
“Your grandpa never said that.”
“No, but he should have. He was a damn fool not to have uttered those words.”
“My grandpa was a janitor, in the Great Depression. The greatest thing he ever said was, ‘Greg, I just Gregged all over your floor. Do you have a mop I can use to clean it up?’”
“Who’s Greg?”
“I don’t know.”
“What the shit kind of story is that? That story is bullshit. Greg doesn’t exist. Nobody knows nobody named Greg. It’s a unicorn name—it’s complete mythology.”
“What about Lou Greg, the baseball player?”
“Lou who? Lou Gehrig?”
“Here’s a Lou for you. Greg Louganis.”
“Bah, Greg Louganis doesn’t exist. He was a myth created by the Soviets to push their divers to perfection. The Russians realized they couldn’t be the best until they deceived their divers into believing there was someone who was always better.”
“I’ve seen Greg Louganis, and he’s as real as you or me.”
“You’ve seen what they wanted you to see. They gave you a blindfold to wear and convinced you it would improve your eyesight.”
”

“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.”

“The next day, Greg is so large that he cannot even ride the car to school because he can't fit in the car. His parents believe this to have been caused by a food allergy and resolve to take him to the doctor later.”