“Performance enhancements are most impressive when used by that sedentary athlete, the videogamer. After he turns to hitchhiking in disgrace, his giant thumbs can take him anywhere.”

“Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all.”

“When a person encounters his own statue and takes a hammer to it, performance art adds depth to greatness.”

“It is remarkably precocious when a person accomplishes anything after the age of thirty.”

“Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.”

“When cultivating your garden, keep the soil healthy with encroachers. The most redolent flowers grow over graves.”

“When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.”