“you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!”

“The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them."(The Decider, July 21, 2007)”

“You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.”

“When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.”

“If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".”

“New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”

“Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.”