“She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to tell, because to be honest, I wasn’t listening.
”

“My love’s got a lot of love to give. Unfortunately, she gives none of it to me.
”

“I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.

”

“We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn’t have enough time to have sex with me.
”

“To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.
”

“I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil).
”

“She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.”