“No you are not. You are much too young to be gay.”

“Of course! That was it! I didn't need a tattoo. What I needed was something a lot less expensive and considerably less painful. What I needed was a Playboy. Guys who are gay do not keep Playboy magazines in their bedrooms.”

“Rachel's mother slipped her arm around his waist. "Steven was just telling us about being gay, Fred."Rachel's father smiled and reached down to shake my hand. "Way to go, Steven. Just remember, safe sex, safe sex, safe sex.”

“I tried to think of a good reason as to why I had a sex book down my pants, but my brain refused to work.”

“I quickly discovered three distinct traits about my tablemates:They hit each other a lot.They swore a lot.They belched a lot.”

“Kelly's mother was a bitch and her father was run over by the motor home when he chased a squirrel into the street, but I figured that was more information than my mother needed to know.”

“Isn't a gay Mormon like an oxymoron?''Do I look like an oxymoron to you?''An oxymormon.”