“If what you've done is stupid, but it works..then it really isn't all that stupid.”

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. ”

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

“You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.”

“I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”

“I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”

“America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.”