“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”

“A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”

“America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.”

“Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.”

“Quote: You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay? ”

“When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.”

“A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.”