“Dad staggered in, eyes eerily lit.The corners of his mouth foaming spit.His demons planned an overnight stay.Mom motioned to take the girls away.hide them in their rooms, safe in their beds.We closed the doors, covered our heads,as if the blankets could mute the sounds of his blowsor we could silence her screams behind out pillows.I hugged the littlest ones close to my chest,till the beat of my heart lulled them to rest.Only then did I let myself cry.Only then did I let myself wonder whyMom didn't fight back, didn't defend,didn't confess to family or friend.Had Dad's demons claimed her soul?Or was this, as well, a woman's role?”

“I felt angry,frustrated.I felt I didn't belong, not in mychurch, not in my home, notin my skin.Amidst the chaos, i feltalone,in need of a friend instead ofa sister, someone detached frommy world.The "woman's role" theorydisgusted me.I would soon be a woman, and Iknew I could never perform asexpected.I was tired of my mom's submissionto her religion, to her husband'ssick quest for an heir,to his abuse.I was sick of my dad, ofreaching forhim as he fell farther awayfrom us and into the arms ofJohnnie WB.”

“crawling up into daddy's lapwhen dad was stillDADDYnodding my head against his chest soaking in the comfort of his heartLISTENINGto the thump...thumpsomewhere beneath muscleand breastbone I remember his armstheir sublimeENCIRCLINGand the shawdow of his voice"I love you, little girl.Put away your bad dreams.Daddy's here"I put them away, Until Daddy became my nightmare that one that cameHOMEfrom work everyday and insteadof picking me up, chased me farfaraway”

“I wasn't an alcoholic. I didn't drink every day, didn't often drink to excess or binge. And could leave it alone completely for large swaths of time. But I did drink to be social. To have fun with friends. Sometimes, to sleep. Sometimes, to forget.”

“I whisper and you close your eyes. I speak and you turn away. If I scream, will you finally hear me beg you to hold me close to you, promise you'll never let go?”

“I know he did horrible things in the jungle. Things no amount of alcohol or pills could erase. War stains soldiers, all the way through their psyches, into their souls. I understand that, and could almost forgive him for taking his own life, to quiet the ghosts. But I can never forgive him for taking my mother with him.”

“Heart Breaking,I think that if Dad, staring down the sight of a 10mm,would only tell me he loves me,I could easily change my mind......but he won't.”