“When asked what characteristics Nobel prize winning physicists had in common ؛ I cannot think of a single one, not even intelligence”

“A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”

“If someone creates a Nobel Prize for Unsung Hero, my nominee will be the divorced single mother”

“Pentagon ought to win the Nobel Peace Prize every year, because the U.S. military is the world’s foremost guarantor of peace”

“It startled him even more when just after he was awarded the Galactic Institute's Prize for Extreme Cleverness he got lynched by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists who had finally realized that the one thing they really couldn't stand was a smartass.”

“I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! "Attempted murder"? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?”