“Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.”

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. ”

“I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby...”

“When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.”

“I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.”