“Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it?”

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

“Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.”

“I used to think that kid might become a preacher. Now I don't see how he's going to stay out of prison. Nobody in this family ever went to prison for sex crimes. He'd be the first."Yes," says Jesus, "you never know about these things."He and Grandpa are drinking cups of coffee and eating ginger snaps. Grandpa says, "When are you planning to return to earth?"Soon as I finish this coffee," say Jesus. "Pretty good, isn't it.”

“A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.”

“Free enterprise runs on self interest. This is socialism and it runs on loyalty . . . if people were going to live by comparison shopping, the town would go bust . . . If you live there you have to take it as a whole. That's loyalty.”

“It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.”