“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.”

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”

“Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.”

“Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. ”

“You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.”