“That's bad luck: three on a midget.”

“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)”

“She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.”

“Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”

“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”