“2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.”

“Being vulgar to be funny is a crutch, and I prefer wheelchairs.”

“If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being sunny and your love being cloudy.”

“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.”

“Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and make out with (especially statues and portraits).”

“I don’t like the term “Average Joe.” I prefer “Dolly,” because not only is the Everyman a sheep, but he’s also a clone. They all think alike and act alike.”

“Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.” This is the speech I’ve prepared to tell my wife in the future, when I’m spending a majority minus one percent of my time with my clones.”