“A figure 8 doesn’t figure into my plans to live to infinity.”

“I made plans for 8:00. When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, “That’s funny, because my sperm was absent.”

“If you strip away my flowery language, you’ll figure out I’m really talking about bees.”

“I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.”

“The car wash sign said, “Free Vacuums.” So I told them I wanted a high-powered Dyson. I figured it’d be a good gift for my girl, so she could stop sweeping the living room carpet.”

“I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!”

“When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousness, as I wonder if anybody can see my mouth quivering and figure out that I’m faking my friendliness.”