“A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss ever.”

“My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?”

“I would crack a smile, but I don’t like breaking things.”

“I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish.”

“I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.”

“How many ways can I say “I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it through action, like a kiss. Or I could say it indirectly, like telling your best friend, April. Yes, I think I’m ready to tell April I love her.”

“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.”