“Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.”

“The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn’t hate, it’s ignoringance.”

“Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.”

“I ran over a dog last night on my way home, and then I wondered what my wife had made for dinner. The two events are disappointingly not connected. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea, and my party is a BYOP (bring your own plague) event.”

“All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.”

“The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.”