“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.”

“I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.”

“I don’t call watches watches, I call them grasps, because one, they grasp onto your wrist, and two, time isn’t something you can watch; it’s a concept you have to grasp.”

“When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousness, as I wonder if anybody can see my mouth quivering and figure out that I’m faking my friendliness.”

“To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.”

“I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade.”

“Whenever I drink, I always have one too many. Of course, I only ever drink one.”