“I am illiterate. Just not in English.”

“I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.”

“Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.”

“My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I am.
”

“I serve the people. Am I a politician? No, I’m just a greedy and corrupt waiter.”

“I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.”

“I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're probably thinking, "I don't remember seeing you," or "I've never seen you." And that just goes to show you how good I am.”