“I am the lingering blinker clicking rhythmically long after the dotted line has been crossed. I’m the most courteous fuck you on the road.”

“If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m the man for the job. I will help you find that man.”

“I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am an egg, and my dream is an omelet; I see myself in my dream, yet it is greater and more colorful than even I am.”

“I think a cool war helmet is painted with red and white concentric circles, exactly like a bull’s eye. But I’m not a fighter—I’m a lover. That’s why I’m joining the military. I figure after well over a decade of continuous war, all they do is fuck around.”

“So I am to be Robert’s replacement. On the one hand, there is no pressure, because it’s not like I am replacing the cool guy that left that everybody loved. But at the same time, the pressure is huge, because if I screw up, my coworkers will all say, “Jarod’s a terrible employee. He’s so bad that even the lifeless robot was better and more hospitable than him.” It’s man vs. machine, and I am the underdog. I need to go buy a “How to be Better than a Dummy for Dummies” book before tomorrow so I’m not the most recent victim in a long line of human defeats at the hands of machine.”

“I am a contraction. I am I’m.”

“I had no direction until I merged into the left lane. Some people find God. I found my blinker.”