“I can’t marry a bisexual woman, because she might be having an affair with the same person I’m having an affair with. And it’s not affair to share.”

“I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.
”

“-There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex.
-Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“I’m a door-to-door salesman. I sell doors. If I can’t knock on yours, because you don’t have a door to knock on, I know you’ll be interested in what I’m selling.”

“I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they wouldn’t even have been married!)
”

“Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.”

“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”