“I gave blood today. It came gushing out of my nose. And anus.”

“Flatulence is the international language. Speak it with your anus. Hear it through your ears. Listen through your nose.”

“I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into the kitchen and found blood on the floor, right next to a few dead hookers.”

“If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.”

“I gave him a pet name, even though he wasn’t my pet, he was my boss. I don’t know why he fired me. I thought “Dick Nose” was a delightfully cute name.”

“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.”

“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.”