“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee at that moment.”

“I drink hot coffee in the summer, and iced coffee in the winter. I’m a contrarian, and contrary to popular belief I'm not a sellout. I rent.”

“Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.”

“I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.”

“My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office building.”

“I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.”

“The zipper on my crotch is an air vent. I need some way to cool down my hot coffee.”