“I like cardboard. Of course, I have to be in the mood to eat Pizza Hut.”

“I'm allergic to fingers, so I have to eat pizza with my feet. You should see me eat on the run.”

“Pepperoni looks so much like nipples that I can’t eat pizza without getting horny.”

“With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked for lots of toppings.”

“I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.”

“I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out.”

“You can smuggle anything into an event inside empty pizza boxes. Carrying pizza boxes transforms anyone into Moses. There can be a crowd of 20,000 people, and if you have a few pizza boxes, the crowd parts like the red sea. Hey, that guy’s got pizza. Let him pass. Make way for importance!”