“I think the best time to launch an assault on a city would be not only in the middle of the night, but also the middle of the sixteenth century. Yawn if you agree.”

“Things can go three ways—left, right, or straight. If you stand on one side, either the left or the right, you will have the quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, the second quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, and the slowest reaction 1/3rd of the time. But if you stand in the middle, you’ll have the quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, and you’ll have the second quickest reaction time 2/3rds of the time. I guess things can also go backwards, but the middle is still the best place to stand.”

“She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the middle of the night. I never actually saw it because I was always asleep in the middle of the night, but I’ll bet it looked unbelievable.”

“I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of the night. Except I hadn’t done that since middle school. And I’m not exactly Banksy with a can of spray paint.”

“When I think of the Middle Ages I think of castles, Catholicism, and taking your kids to soccer practice.”

“Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia in the middle of winter wearing only shorts?”

“Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).”