“I went to Hallmark, but they don’t sell corridors there. I did, however, find a card that perfectly summed up our relationship. The card was blank.”

“On Halloween I like to scare up business the old fashioned way: with flyers, business cards, and electroshock therapy while wearing spooky masks.”

“I respect people who make eye contact (blind people get a free respect card).”

“On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.”

“I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.”

“My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!”

“Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.”