“My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!”

“Take me to Happy Birthday Land. It’s open 364 days of the year, and the one day of the year it’s closed for cleaning happens to be my birthday. 
”

“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I was a boy.”

“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my uncle Birthday, who never had one since he died in the womb.”

“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.”

“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday as me? He’d better, because without me, there’d be nothing for him to celebrate.”