“I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”

“It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.”

“I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.”

“Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, kill all the politicians, because they’re spending too much money.”

“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.”

“America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And finally, in four words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, lawyers, and bankers.”

“It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times its length in inches when limp.”