“I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.”

“I have a nervous lips tick, so naturally I try to cover it up with lipstick.”

“I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.”

“The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.”

“I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are there—you just have to find them and rearrange the order until you’ve arrived at something romantic, and then you’ll have discovered what I wrote.”

“I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.”

“On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.”