“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.”

“Were you aware that my sister looks like my brother? They both look nonexistent.”

“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and while I wasn’t the best looking, my brother was two years younger and therefore not in my graduating class.”

“She had a picture of a llama, so under it I wrote, “I didn’t know you knew my brother.”

“She said, “What?” so I replied, “What what?” She gave me a look that said, “What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.”

“If love looked like a deer, smelled like a deer, and ran like a deer, then I wouldn't passively wait for it to find me. Nope, I'd seek it out at 60 MPH, and then run it over.”

“If my penis were big enough to be mistaken for a leg, I am not sure I'd want the world to know. However, I would walk up and down the stairs a lot. What you'd call masturbation, I'd call exercise.”