“I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.”

“I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.”

“I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock.”

“I feel like my old self. Especially since I feel like I’m developing dementia.”

“I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.”

“I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.”

“I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.”