“I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog.”

“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my uncle Birthday, who never had one since he died in the womb.”

“My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!”

“I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.”

“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday as me? He’d better, because without me, there’d be nothing for him to celebrate.”

“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I was a boy.”

“When I'm in yoga class, and I'm in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I'm the Tree of Knowledge. To help further the fantasy I come to class with my yoga shorts stuffed with two apples.”