“I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.”

“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!”

“I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.”

“I like watching baseball as much as my grandma’s left ear is loud. (She’d probably give her right ear for a left ear that wasn’t soundproof).”

“I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.”

“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.”

“Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can handle?”