“Life didn’t hand me lemons. Or limes. But staying with the citrus motif, it did hand me oranges. How do you like them apples?”

“If love were orange, like an apple, there’d be nothing to compare it to.”

“I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!”

“Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That’s how a real politician defers blame.”

“I was born with a lazy eye. It didn’t define me as a person. It did, however, define me as a voyeur.”

“His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie?”

“I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life lesson for you.”