“Me and Ruth minus Ruth leaves me Ruthless—and makes me ruthless.”

“I’m not a bicycle. Don’t try to ride me and leave me in the garage. I’m a treadmill. Walk on me and leave me in a guest room.”

“It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love.”

“Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.”

“I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.”

“If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll make me sad and you’ll make me cry, thus causing me to need the very thing you won’t give me. So if you give it to me, I won’t need it, and if you don’t give it to me, your actions end up causing me to need it.”

“What makes you think of me? Don’t say nothing. The answer is I make you think of me. And I’ll make you do it at gunpoint.”