“My advice is don’t take advice from anybody. This is good advice, and as such, it’s bad advice.”

“I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.”

“Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up boogie boarding.”

“I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.”

“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”

“If you’re going to do something dumb, do it in a smart way. This is my advice for falling in love.”

“My advice is to write during commercial breaks, and read while your favorite TV show is on mute.”