“My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.”

“Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t buy you a birthday present.”

“A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give me a birthday present every year. It owes its life to me.”

“It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.”

“I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement (the creation of me) that I did not contribute too.”

“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.”

“If you give me a gift, it’d be insulting to pay you, because I’d be denying you the gift of giving. So my gift to you is to accept your gift, thereby allowing you to enjoy the gift of giving.”