“Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.”

“The cute girl at the bar asked for my number. I told her I’m number one. Then I gave her the area code and the following seven digits.”

“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” And I’d have to agree. Serves them right for being so sleazy.”

“A pastor, a politician, and a brick walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.” So the brick and the pastor look at the politician, who turns around and leaves.
”

“A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, "I like your suit." And the tailor replies, "This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don't worry, he didn't follow me.”

“The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn’t hate, it’s ignoringance.”

“With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.”