“One clown sleeping in a car is not tragic. One clown sleeping with your wife in his car—tragic. Especially if you’re inside the tent enjoying the circus.”

“When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think, “How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a small dent, it makes me want to cry out to God in despair.”

“You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and run a larm. What’s a larm? A buzzing sound the length of a marathon, but I always sleep through them—including the one in Boston.”

“I’m romantic. I’ll try to make your bed while you’re still sleeping in it.”

“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or maybe three smiles and a frown, shared between two parents, their child, and a clown.”

“I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.”

“When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car. 
”