“Politics is all about showing you have integrity—and hiding the fact that you really don’t have any.”

“On the subject of how to make friends, I would give you some tips, but I just don’t have any. Oh, I have plenty of tips, but I don’t have any friends.”

“You don’t have to visit an asylum to see insanity. All you have to do is visit Washington DC.”

“I don’t have to tell you, “I don’t have to tell you” before telling you something I don’t have to tell you. I also don't have to tell you I love you, but I do.”

“Scars exist to show that I existed. I myself don’t have any scars, but every single one of my friends has a healed up knife wound deep in their back.
”

“I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.”

“I’m glad I don’t have any foreskin, because at a nude beach I’d feel overdressed. (It’d be the only time I could feel overdressed by showing too much skin).”