“Some people should have stopped singing in the 60s, even if they were born in the 80s.”

“People who have knickknacks are people people. Some are even named Nick.”

“I once got a handjob from a glove. I miss the 80s.”

“I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.”

“Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of an uncle, Uncle Sam, who wants to start a fight during that song.”

“I collect collect calls from the 80s. I prefer them in mint condition, meaning the phone's still ringing.”

“I may not be the greatest American, but I am a better American than all the people born in Canada that still live in Canada. I wish Justin Bieber were one of those people.”