“The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between sex and masturbation. Sexually, you can find me at 6:00 sharp. Bring a condom and a glove—and don’t be late.
”

“The difference between me and a scientist is a little word called “Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot.”

“There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.”

“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a condom?!”

“Between was and is you’ll find me—but most of the time you’ll only find me in pictures.”

“Sandwiches come in shrink-wrap—therefore, I must masturbate with gloves on. Lunchtime! The coffee’s stale but the cream will be fresh.”

“I am the sunrise of sunsets, and I make love like noon at midnight.”