“The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.”

“The fastest way for me to achieve self-improvement is with The Opponent Apparatus (my clone).”

“I’d rather be the fastest runner than the best fighter. But then I am a supreme coward.”

“Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.
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“The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle helmet at the time.”

“Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find him, and then watch him be murdered by his sibling, who happens to contain half of Satan’s DNA.”

“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.”