“The great news is I drive like a woman. The bad news is that it’s only when I’m wearing a dress.”

“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”

“The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.”

“I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.”

“A brick could be used as a device to deliver bad news. Sometimes it's better to be blunt.
”

“I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater, because I’m only half-finished knitting it.”

“There’s no way to tell you the bad news without saying it, so I’ll say it with body language.”